Thursday, January 01, 2004
It's New Year's Day. NYE was spent here in Auckland among friends, though I am a little sad that no beaches, fireworks or mountaintops were involved. Never mind - I got to the beach the next day.
Despite the amount of time I spent chilling out (and not drinking) in a local pub, the passing of 2003 left me with few profound thoughts. (Maybe I'm just running low on profoundity).
At the moment I am angry. Angry because during a family dinner, my father made a very specific joke about dropping dead from a burst artery in the brain, poking me in the leg to make sure I got it. If it was merely accidental, it was grossly insensitive at the very least. If it was intentional, then it was even worse. I still can't believe the way that my parents are acting over this.
A few days ago I got a lecture from a close friend, one who knew me and Casey very well. He said (more or less) that I should start getting over it (being sad), and it's not as if Casey and I were going out at the time. It's true - we had broken up the July previously. But in the light of our 8 year history and the fact that (to our friends' confusion) we stayed living together, I admit I have tended to overlook this as a small technicality. In my mind (and certainly in the way I felt when he died) he WAS my partner. Is this so very wrong? And sure - as I have proven tonight, I do tend to go off the rails occasionally, and scream myself hoarse in private - it's a way of coping, and makes me no less functional the rest of the time. I think I prefer the emotional output way of coping to the rigid avoidance of pain.
email me: piokiwi@yahoo.com.au
Piokiwi 10:26 pm
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